There is a part of me that wants rhythm to mean perfect routine, predictability and control. I catch myself trying to build that into my days and weeks despite knowing it is an impossible goal. I find myself getting stressed or being harsh with myself if I can’t make that work out. I try to rejig my schedule and change my planner layout. While looking at these external indicators of rhythm is good, it doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. I have felt the whisper in my soul that my internal rhythm is what needs to change.
How I spend my time, my reactions and the tangible evidence of goals actually come from this internal rhythm. I can be resting on the outside but tangled within. I can look like I am working on the outside and be dragging internally. Sooner or later that inside reality impacts the outside world.
I long for an inner rhythm that is peaceful, steady and secure no matter what else is going on. Riding waves of emotions and reactivity is exhausting. But is that what makes me human? Is that what allows me to increase my empathy and connect with others? Maybe my idea of what a peaceful inner rhythm looks like is false. It doesn’t mean never having strong emotions but being anchored and secure in those times, with a way to return to a calm place.
I am pursuing that kind of peace. For me, it starts with drawing closer to God and His Word in the quiet morning moments and throughout my day. It takes building in time in my week to restore my physical and emotional body. It takes creating space to express what is within through my writing- both for public viewing and private. It involves tuning in to my thinking and shifting my perspective, constantly re-aligning with truth.
I am so grateful for the inner change I already see in myself looking back over the years. Anxiety no longer has the same hold on me that it once did. The ugly darkness lurking within is negligible and far more easily held at bay. As much as I look ahead to the changes I still want to see, I don’t want to discount the growth and transformation that I already walk in.
I am a work in progress. How about you?