I read this excerpt from a T.S. Eliot poem a few weeks ago:
It spoke to something deep within me. I find it hard to find the words to describe the internal season I have been walking (trudging?) through of late. In many ways, my life seems to be going well. I have days free to spend as I wish while my daughter is at school. I have ample time to read, write, catch up with friends, do my MOPS work, keep the house. And yet those things haven’t been done like I would want. I turn to numbing distraction frequently. A symptom of my soul feeling heavy and disconnected. The words that used to flow dried up. The focus and passion within me dissipated. I can’t put my finger on a cause or come up with clear answers and explanations. Outwardly, there may not have been much evidence but inwardly I have been fighting through sludge.
That poem spoke of hoping for the wrong thing and loving the wrong thing. That resonated with me in a way I can’t entirely explain. Or maybe I don’t want to be able to explain. Maybe the hope and love I had were being skewed in directions that I was not meant to be walking. The line that struck me the most? “Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought.” I was able to release my analytical mind. I don’t have to have all the answers. Maybe you need to give yourself permission to stop thinking too, in this season.
Today, my soul is singing. I have had flashes of that over the past few months but today feels like light and breath and peace and joy. I wish I could share the one secret that is making a difference. It doesn’t exist, at least not in a discrete one moment kind of way. I see the weaving of conversations, themes in various reading material, little steps of obedience and doing just the next one thing in front of me coming together. I see evidence of the hand of the Weaver through it all. I am overwhelmed once more with the experience of God being interested in the details of my life and using his gentle, loving hand to work within and guide me.
In this season, I released the expectation I had been placing on myself to write in the public arena. I have been living the truth of this quote from Emily Freeman:
“Sometimes the breaks are necessary. Most times they are, for me anyway. But if you’re like me at all, you might struggle with getting back into your rhythm and maybe feel awkward to bumble back in to things, whether that be a small group you’ve not visited in a while, a book you put down and keep meaning to return to, or a conversation you’re listening to from a distance but haven’t stepped into yet.
I cannot see the future and whether this season is finished or if I simply have a reprieve today. I have the confidence to keep walking day by day, to keep making choices even when I don’t feel like it, to look ahead and not behind and to give myself permission to let go of expectations.
What internal season are you in? Are you needing to wait without thought for a time? Do you need time away to regain those passions you once had? Do you need to seek the hand of the Weaver and watch for the evidence of his hand in your days? May your soul be still.